Depression: The worst possible scenario sits astride my path to personal freedom

Unlike the above photo of me during my activism, when I thought I was doing something for the good of my community, this is the way I feel today! Why shouldn't I be honest? What is the point of writing anything that is not honest? Only a passion to express my true feelings (wrong as they may be) ever drives me to write anything.

Tomorrow I have a meeting with a councilor and a group, perhaps that will help drive away the blues somewhat! Maybe in writing and blogging these feelings, those who torture others because they can using unjust laws, might put a face on their self righteous pleasure. I am looking for neither sympathy, or, encouragements to "jump." I am putting into words how I feel, as I always have. Baring my soul. I am who I am, yours to maul with judgmental delight, or commiserate with, incorporate as a part of yourselves: a universal human with faults and strengths, such as yourselves, just trying hard to get up from a bad fall.

Today I am totally annihilated by the Canadian CDSA, a policy of harming people who would choose to exercise their natural rights to ingest what they will, and access the altered state of thought that they enjoy, peacefully. When I was helping others access their freedom of thought, no one other than a bitch who didn't like my dog ever complained over what I did. I actually tried to do this in a store setting last year so that it would be like any other business. The neighboring business trumped up a complaint that the odor bothered him, because the law encouraged it as a tool of oppression to use against a peaceful neighbor. The hate encouraged by the government for one citizen by another is unbelievable. How could such a society be a happy place to live and let live?

From Halperngate II:

"Many thousands of people are incarcerated because of individuals like Halpern. Halpern is the “poster boy” for most American rats/snitches/informants/cooperating witnesses, and he is now a member of the majority, the mundane, the ordinary."

Whatever the outcome of this idiocy, I don't feel like trading off my intellectual and personal liberty as a sacrifice of compliance to this law, this injustice, any longer. I have formulated a scenario which I would think is a likely event. I would think that accessing a DMT trip one more time naturally, would be worth all the phony compliance to tyranny that is demanded of me. The personal outcome for me is bleak to the extreme and I wish for a conclusion.

Some people would say this is a coward's way out. Maybe so for some people. Today I am perfectly straight, not under any altered state. That is not my choice. The consumption of marijuana and other substances made me happy and able to cope with the vagaries of life which is the right of everyone. I used to wake up happy to enjoy my little world without hurting anyone else. I made a living providing accessibility to others who enjoyed the peaceful use of such substances and was independent financially, giving fair deals. I made sure no children were able to access these substances. I was working to redistribute the excess wealth back into the community. Now that veil of happiness has been cast aside, stomped to pieces by VPD storm troopers, and replaced with state sponsored terrorism applied on an unequal basis (compared to other substances such as more dangerous Tobacco and Alcohol) to myself, as it is to others.

The lies and misdirection a perverse government can put up using the wealth of a nation are insurmountable when they can use an unjust interpretation of a law, ostensibly created for public safety, to implement tyranny curbing peaceful human freedom at the direct expense of public safety. A state in which the police publicly cooperate with organized crime to carry out an execution is not a place where I want to live. A Government that perpetrates organized hate crimes without holding itself accountable to further anti drug propaganda, is not something I wish to be part of.

Someone said that I all I should have done is hold out in jail as Chief Justice Bud the Oracle until they Justice system accepted the fact that it had no jurisdiction over me. That is a great theory, but in my case it was not practical. My free life was very precious to me and I would have become as despondent as I am today, always knowing that everything I ever cherished, including my Wolf was lost forever. Jailed and never having hope for an ending because these goons with guns could do anything they want.

All it would have taken to find justice was that one Judge, as one did for a brief moment, accept the fact that the government of Canada had recognized me as a peaceful human being that had a right not to be harmed by an illegal law used for a purpose not intended.

The cops took my camera again , as well as both of my hats, even the one I had on my puppet. No peaceful humorous street theater for the VPD. They would rather order a hit with the Hells Angels, than work with a peaceful activist. They took even the access to my mother's telephone number from me. I will never be able to reach her again. All my father's predictions about how useless and evil I would become since the age of four have turned out to be true according to him. Canada has made me into a dangerous criminal for wanting community safety, and equal rights to those of drinkers and tobacco smokers. My choices for helping to mitigate my painful misdeeds concerning the ones I have loved and hurt are not acceptable to the Justice Minister. According to Rob Nicholson my brand of self medication is not legal or acceptable, but to become drunk as many do who can't handle their own interpretation of life, would be preferable.

I have been wondering what it would feel like to fly again. A great surge of DMT distorted adrenaline as a precursor to the next inevitable stage in life, rebirth. I can't see a way back to my happy life from here, only further oppression. Therefor, while I am able to access this fork in the road of life I think I might.

I truly believe that a life without liberty is not worth living. The fact is that Canada feels like Guantanamo Bay to me. I am sure that a few in that hell hole would trade off their existence for a taste of the release of a final DMT trip, if they could. Such idiocy in this world, perpetrated by "democratic" governments! I hope that the one person in my life close to me now can find a way to forgive my selfish solution. I don't have the strength of Casey William Hardison. If anything put yourself in his position and rise up to help him, please. I really do not like being a burden to anyone and have zero hope in finding employment with a criminal record at my age, other than what I was doing. This is the part of the crime growth curve that the Harper government is counting on to fill the new prisons it is building. I don't wish to be a low level part of the prison industry while the rich powerful people, lawyers get richer, and the wealthy never face justice the same way others do. Let me take a walk so that hopefully I'll find courage. It costs nothing to walk. I am sure the person who has my Wolf now will continue to love him and take care of him, thanks.

Unlike others who use activism as a cover for drug dealing, I won't take that route. Go your own way and do your own things, but I am personally going to find a solution for myself that does not pretend to anything other than my personal needs and goals. Everyone else can say what they will about me and my activism, but the bottom line is I sincerely tried to achieve something more than just personal rewards and glory. Yeah, I did it wrong and failed but at least I tried. And my life was fun to live. Hopefully I will see those moments of euphoria one last time.

PS: The most significant thing that helped me put the preamble up and not seek to carry out my quest for "courage" is that the telephone number of my mother was found a few minutes ago. I had planned to just leave this thing unpublished for someone else to find and put up.

It also makes me furious that this inhumane system took Ashley Smith this way: a teenager who was given a life sentence for throwing apples at a postman.

Does anyone have employment of any kind out there for me? A large part of my depression is that I have to trouble someone I love to put up with me and support me. That is very hard for me to take. I was always proud of being self supporting.

One thing that I envy Casey William Hardison for is his close relationship with his father. My father withheld his love for me, and I have done the same with my children. It is very difficult for me to actually love anyone deeply, including myself. Self medication is a part of normal human behavior and not up to the control of others who believe they know better. As long as people don't harm others. Self awareness is the key. The facts of Casey's life intrigue me his father was member of AA and well loved. Casey's life is very interesting as well. He seems to be a very intelligent, insightful and strong person. People like this should be an inspiration to society, not jailed. Do we not all have strengths and weaknesses that we can learn from? What kind of Government would harm people such as this? Thousands upon thousands of harmless people who seek to exercise their expanded mental machinery peacefully are sacrificed on the alter of right wing idiocy in so called democratic, free countries. And for what? So that organized crime can flourish and cops strut around powerfully violent, controlling people's diets in reaction to violent criminals the government has created with the law. All the while claiming this law is for noble purposes reducing harm to society, while leaving untouched the users of the most harmful substances. It makes not one shred of sense!

The fact that a religious organization got intervention status in court on the insight safe injection trial greatly disturbs me. These would have the court close its eyes to the real world, deny that rampant injection drug use is here to stay caused by denial in the first place and condemn thousands to death to float their, and, the government's lie. These are the same daft idiots who claimed the world would fall apart should gay marriages be legalized. These are spawn of the same morons who started the prohibition movements almost one and one half centuries ago, installing a mindset of ignorance and denying human rights, who help organized crime to flourish. And still these friggen idiots are at it, trying to interfere with the rights of others. May they go to their gods quickly and leave the rest of the world in peace.

An Etheogenic Journey in the Belly of the Beast---the Sacred Tantraum Continues! by Casey William Hardison

Also try to absorb Ayahuasca, Entheogenic Education & Public Policy by Kenneth William Tupper

Also HalperngateII Voices from Behind Bars by John Beresford, MD * Committee on Unjust Sentencing

You will notice in the above letters from people jailed for the production of LSD and other Etheogens that this is a war against alternative spiritual practices (Other than Christian corporate power) The Corporate thugs have jailed or intimidated those who might create magical elixirs which lead to a mental awakening, so that humanity might remain enslaved to the myopia of common marketed experience. People don't see that and are brainwashed into fearful imaginings at the mention of LSD, without the least bit of critical, self initiated, research into the matter needed to free themselves of any propaganda. It is not LSD which has landed us into this situation, but the law.

As I truly believe unless humanity gets off this Christian inspired judgmental consumerism sown with war against nature, and each other, we will perish as a species.

It is ever so important, and I plead as I am certain other chemist prisoners of the war on drugs do, that we must remember what these molecules have shown us. In the words of a dear,
dear friend, they have shown me “the land without evil.”

Casey William Hardison Page 55

Your words have given me hope Casey!

We must do everything in our power to carry the light, the lamp, the vision forward toward this Age of Entheogens. Fiat lux, fiat amor, fiat pax!